Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
"A: His lips are moving
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
"A: Cut the rope
Q: You are in a locked room with Hitler, Mussolini, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what do you do?
"A: Shoot the lawyer twice
Q: What kind of clothes to lawyers wear in court?
"A: Lawsuits
Q: Why are lawyers like beavers?
"A: They get in the mainstream and dam it up
Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
"A: They lie still
Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
"A: God doesn't think she's a lawyer
Client: Excuse me, do you have a moment? If I pay you $150, will you answer three questions for me? "Lawyers: Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?"; Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
"A: Their personalities
Q: Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
"A: The cats keep covering them up with sand
Q: Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
"A: New Jersey had first choice
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a Godfather?
"A: An offer you can't understand
Q: Why have scientists started to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
"A: First, they are more plentiful than rats and second, the researchers don't get as attached to them. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
"A: A good start
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
"A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
"A: Professional courtesy
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
"A: In a cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung?
"A: The bucket
Q: Why do male lawyers wear ties?
"A: To keep the foreskin in
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
"A: Stick his bill up his ass
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
"A: In the cemetery
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
"A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
"A: A vampire only sucks blood at night
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. 'Doctor,' she asks nervously, 'can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?' "'Certainly,' replies the doctor, 'Where do you think lawyers come from?'"; Q: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
"A: Ten, if you stand them on their heads
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
"A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
"A: Only three. The rest are documented case histories
Q: What do a baker and an attorney have in common?
"A: They both enjoy carving up the pie
Q: Why did the lawyer display his bar association card on the dashboard of his car?
"A: So he could park in a handicapped zone
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
"A: All the information you need--but you can't understand a word of it
Q: How does a pregnant woman know that she is carrying a future lawyer?
"A: She has an extreme craving for baloney
Q: What is the difference between a flea and a lawyer?
"A: One is a parasite that sucks the living blood out of you and is linked with the Black Death. The other is a small insect
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
"A: They're both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 5 million will become a human being
Q: A lawyer and an IRS agent jump off the Empire State Building at the same time. Who will hit the ground first?
"A: Who cares
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
"A: A leech will drop off and stop sucking blood after its victim dies
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
"A: One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger. The other is a fish
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
"A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth
Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
"A: You can make a pet out of the snake
Q: How was copper wire invented?
"A: Two lawyers arguing over a penny
Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
"A: Good morning, your honor
Q: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
"A: Skeet
Q: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do?
"A: Stick his bill up his ass
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer up to his neck in sand?
"A: Not enough sand
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
"A: A doberman
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a lawyer in a Porsche?
"A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside
Q: What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
"A: A good start
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
"A: A fu--ing know-it-all
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"A: How many can you afford
Q: Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
"A: Professional courtesy
Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
"A: Take your foot off his head
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
"A: It might be your bicycle
Q: What is the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
"A: A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead
Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the road?
"A: The vultures will eat the skunk
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
"A: Depends on how thin you slice them
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 20 feet deep?
"A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, "would you go to lunch or read the paper?"; Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
"A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met
Q: Why are lawyers great in bed?
"A: They get so much practice screwing people
Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of the saloon?
"A: He was disbarred
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
"A: Sue
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
"A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on
Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?
"A: You can't fit a finger between the rope and his neck
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
"A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythical creatures